I wish I wasn’t so fucking scared of throwing up. I would throw up everything I eat. every single thing.. fuck. I’m so weak and dumb. like I’m such a baby.. it’s not hard to puke.. idk why I can’t do it. fuuuckk.  i can’t even stop myself from eating like it’s not hard. wtf.. i’m such a fat ass and it sucks!! i’ll stop. starting tomorrow i’ll eaat less. and no soda, or sugar, candies, etc. 

i’m in cooking class at school and we;re learning about fuckin eating disorders.. like obviouslyI know I don’t have one. but my teacher had one in 9th grade, she was anorexic. and she said how she loved the feeling of being hungry.. and i thought that was okay.. like I like being hungry cause I feel like I get skinnier, ya know? idk.but everyone in class was like, wtf that’s terrible how can you feel that way!! and I’m sitting there like wtf.. :( my teacher said she was sick. that that is not a normal feeling. and we watched a video on this girl with bulimia and I started tearing up. like it’s so terrible seeing that and how she become and stuff.. but I can’t help but be jealous of her. as bad as that sounds.. I wish I was strong enough to make myself throw up, or stop eating. I’m just weak as fuck and i fucking hate it. this needs to change

yeah well I’ve been thinking more about breaking up. I don’t even mind anymore. it’ll suck, definitely. but it doesn’t feel right anymore.. like I don’t feel like I should. I care about him so much, like I’ll always be here for him. but I just don’t think it’s working anymore.. we’re so different and we disagree on like everything and we’re literally opposites. idk. I just feel terrible. I can’t keep stringing him along and it sucks. I don’t know how to break up with someone. we hungout today and I know he senses something weird but idk.. this sucks. aloooot

I don’t want to get too attached. I can’t even imagine us being broken up.. we’ve talked every. single. day. since the day we started talkig.. which was like november, thanksgivingish. I don’t even know what it’d be like to not talk to you. and it’s only been 4 months together.. I don’t know what I’d do when it’s been a year, etc. I don’t want to get too attached. I don’t want to end up like my friend who got her heart broken. I can’t let that happen to me

so I was close to breaking up with my boyfriend the other week.. like I had been thinking about it. we’re complete opposites. we always bicker.. we have different views on everything annd we’re both too stubborn to come to agreements. it sucks.. so I was just being short with him and he got the memo but we talked it out.. then he brought it back up and was so extremely hurt about it. he said I make him the happiest guy in nova.. that broke my heart. I just like realized I was being a straight asshole. I do want to be with him, even if he’s totally wrong for me. who the fuck cares? we’re young.. it’s okay to be with someone wrong for you. right? it’s experience. I know I won’t marry him but I do love being with him, he makes me happy as fuck and even though we’re opposites, opposites attract though, right? :) i love the shittt outta him & everything is good now:)

so I did the chipotle and 100 things thing.. it was cute aw. he liked it alot I think. :) but we got in the worst fight this past week.. like it was all just a misunderstanding but he didn’t talk to me all day thursday and I was just like upset. like who does that? he never wants tofix things I always have to make the effort and it just sucks. one day I’m not gonna be there to fix things and it won’t end good. we were like |—| that close to breaking up. it sucks so bad. I still feel like things aren’t okay. we haven’t officially talked about it but we haven’t really talked since thursday, and we barely did then. he went to sleep mad at me and he never does that.. it sucked. I hate fighting :( I know we aren’t good together but I don’t want to go back to not talking and being single. I like being with him so much.fuuuckkkk. we talked a little bit today and we’re hanging out tomorrow but it still sucks. I don’t know what to dooooo. our 4 months is like in a few weeks.. womp 

I haven’t posted here in a minute. lol but I guess everything is pretty good right now. me and my boyfriend fight like kind of often. it’s so obnoxious. I don’t want to break up but we butt heads so much.. like we’re so different. but opposites attract riiight? lol but yeah, him and his ex girlfriend got in like an arguement the other day and she’s mean.. like I already fuckin don’t like her and she just makes it worse. liking his pictures on facebook n favoriting his tweets and shit.. then they got in an argument and he was like youre just mad cause i think shes prettier than you and i treat her better than I ever did to you.” blah b lah and shes like “okay. lol but she’s not. shes cute though” ….. that’s mean :( shes a meanie. whatever I don’t like the bitch, wwwtfff. but anyway, me and my boyfriend’s 100 days of dating is coming up like next week so I’m about to do something cuuute:) I’m gonna like make up 100 things I love about him/reasons why I love him and get him chipotleeee then give it to him.. hahah so gay, whatever doe :) I’m happpppy 

I always just go on this and vent cause I have no one to vent to. whatever.

so I talked to my boyfriend about not being over his ex girlfriend.. finally. and I just straight up said it. ” I don’t think you’re fully over her” and he goes, why do you think that? and I’m just like, I just have a feeling.’ and he’s just like, “I don’t love her anymore. I don’t hate her, but I don’t love her. I see her in the halls and I say hi but we don’t talk. we don’t hangout with the same people.” and I was just like.. ookay. like I didn’t know what to say. then he asked if I believed him and I said not really, but I didn’t wanna talk about it anymore. so then a few nights later we’re facetiming and he brings it up again. he’s like, “I don’t know why you’re with me then, if you think I love another girl” and I’m like.. “it’s not that, I just don’t think you’re over her. you were with her for like 2 years.. that’s a looong time. you can’t get over someone that fast.” and he’s just like ” well I did! it’s been like 5 months, at first it sucked but I’m over her. I don’t love her, I love you. do you believe me?” and I’m just like.. idk. not really.” I don’t know whether or not to believe him. I want to, and I should. I don’t have any reason not to, but idkk. I can’t do itttt. but I’ll try as of right now, to believe him. she has aboyfriend now (thank god) so hopefully she’ll back off, and I’m going to assume he wouldn’t lie to me. so until I have a reason to believe something’s going on, I’ll believe him. 

so I was facebook stalking and shit, and I come across my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend..and I’m just going through her pictures, and one is of her and she put it up december 22. and my boyfriend liked the picture…. and I know liking pictures doesn’t mean shit and it shouldn’t, but just the fact that we had been talking since then, and it’s so recent.. and the fact that he said he hated her and thought she was a bitch and that he didn’t like her anymore.. like what the fuck? Fuck you. I feel like it was recent he liked that picture too. I creep on her alot.. and I mean ALOT and I would’ve noticed. so what the fuck? you fucking suck, honestly. I don’t know what to think. so anyway.. I went thru more of her pictures, and there was one of her and her ex boyfriend, and he commented on it and was like “PUSSY” and first, that’s immature.. he hates him too but he claimed that he has hated him since before they started dating. what the fuck ever man. but yeah he commented that in like january.. why would you do that? it makes no sense. you still love her. I know it. I don’t want to think about it but it’s true. and the thing is I like you so much already. I love you, really. and you say you do too but I don’t even know whether to believe you. this is ridiculous. You’ve been acting weird the past few days too.. I just need to ask you straight up. I’ve asked you before and you promised to me you didn’t like her or love her anymore. you pinky promised. my throat is like aching because I’m not trying to cry because of this shit. it’s crazy how attached I am already and how easily something like this can put me in a bad mood. I hope you noticed so I don’t have to bring it up on my own. womp

it’s crazy how fast you can put me in a bad mood

This is really dumb but I favorited this tweet from twitter and it was like a “princess probs” account or some shit, but it was like, “If a guy tells you the only reason his ex keeps calling is b/c she’s crazy, he’s probably still crazy about her.”  and the thing is.. that’s exactly what you do. your ex girl hasn’t called you or anything in a while, at least you haven’t told me. except for valentine’s day… when you showed me the text and she said she hopes we have a good valentines day, and that she loves you… as a person :)” what the hellll… who does that… no one…. exactly!! but anyway, I was creeping on her twitter cause I do like all the fucking time.. and she retweeted it. that can’t even just be a coincidence, right? and then her best friend retweeted it too, and tweeted her and goes, omg that’s so true! yeah… fuck that. I hope that’s not true. I’m already attached and I can’t help it. I love you, alot. don’t break my heart  ”please don’t be in love with somebody else, please don’t have somebody waiting on you”